When God Feels Far Away
(The following is an excerpt from "Faith Unraveled" by Alisha Bozarth)
As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God. Psalm 42:1-2
If you're like me, you may read those words and think of the well-known song, which oozes a message of, "I love you Lord and I want more of you." And (cough, cough) that just ain't how we feel right now, right?
Actually, the author of this paslm didn't feel that way either. His imagery relays desperation--thirst--how dry he felt--aka, far from God. The next verse says, "My tears have been my food day and night while they say to me all day long, 'where is your God?'" (Ps. 42:3)
Not quite the same gist as the praise song. The writer wasn't in a good place. He was broken. Crying. Burdened. Even others were asking where his God was. They could see his torment.
What I find really interesting in this psalm is verse 4, where the psalmist describes how he used to lead throngs of people into the house of God with glad shouts and songs of praise. He was a worship leader! But did you catch it?
Used to. Past tense.
He was remembering those good, old, untainted days. In a broken place of life, he reminices about the times when he had been so full of praise. But now? Now he wasn't. He was dry.
After my husband was killed, I would remember all the times I led worship, led Bible studies, and raised my hands in praise. And all of that felt so distant from where I was. None of that was happening anymore. My soul had shriveled. I knew I needed God, but struggled to have any desire to draw near to Him.
That's where the psalmist was. My soul pants for you.
Now for the best part of the psalm - verse 5: "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God."
This may sound too hopeful for you, but hold on. Did you notice the clincher? I shall again ... That is future tense. The praise hadn't happened yet! The writer was still in a dark, dry place. He still wasn't oozing with praise and gladness.
Yet. Ah, what a beautiful word.
He was reminding himself that the day would come again. Sometimes, in the deep waters, we don't need to deny the fact that we aren't "feeling" it, but we can make a statement - a statement of faith. "It will happen again. Maybe not today. But one day."
Even when we don't feel full of faith, that simple statement is an act of faith.
The psalmist knew his season would not last. He knew God well enough to know His love would endure longer than the pain.
The psalmist wasn't "there" yet. You may not be, either. You may think you never will be. Maybe you remember the innocent praise you could offer before "it" happened. Maybe you feel dry, like the desperate, dehydrated deer the writer referred to. You, too, are thirsty for God yet can't quite stir up the old desire for Him.
We are not alone in our struggles. We aren't bad Christians for feeling dry. We aren't bad Christians for having a season of struggle and pain and depression.
God is big enough to woo you back.
So be okay with letting Him.